Lottie Biggs is Not Mad by Hayley Long

Author:Hayley Long [Hayley Long]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780330510400
Publisher: Macmillan Children’s Books

THE SHAME!!!

I haven’t told Goose.

NOt sLeePiNG is NOt fuNNY

Since my mum stole my computer I have been totally and utterly unable to sleep. In fact, I would even go so far as to say that I am sleep deprived. This is a blatant example of irony. Today in school Mr Wood wasted seventeen minutes and twelve seconds trying to explain to our class what irony means. In the end I had to help him out. Mr Wood was going about it all wrong. He was confusing everyone by using intellectual examples from that play Macbeth, which nobody really understands anyway because it’s written in the language of the ancient druids.

Mr Wood had his eyes shut and his glasses in his hand and was droning something that went along the lines of, ‘When Macduff says Look to the lady, this is a moment of high dramatic irony because we – the audience – know that Lady Macbeth is a scheming, wicked, heartless charlatan. She is certainly not a lady.’

It’s not Mr Wood’s fault, but he happens to have a voice like a foghorn and sometimes it can be very difficult to stay interested in what he is saying.

At the back of the class Lee Fogel’s hand shot up. ‘But she is though, sir. That’s why she’s called Lady Macbeth.’

Mr Wood opened his eyes and frowned. ‘I don’t think you quite follow me, Lee. What I’m saying is that there is a huge disparity between our notion of what a lady should be and her conduct, and Macduff’s usage of lady here seems misguided and ridiculous.’

Lee said, ‘Huh?’

Everyone was shifting in their seats. Beca Bowen had got her nail file out. I was getting a bit bored and fed up so I put my hand up and said, ‘I think what Mr Wood is trying to say is that irony is about weird contradictions. Macduff thinks that Lady Macbeth is a gentle, delicate, womanly woman, but actually she’s a minging troll bitch from hell.’

A light of understanding came on somewhere behind Lee’s eyes. I was on a roll so I continued, ‘I mean, it’s like what’s happened to me since my mum stole my computer. She took it out of my bedroom because she thought I was working too late on it and not getting enough sleep. It is therefore deeply ironic that I have been unable to sleep one single wink since it left my room.’

I sat back and folded my arms. Mr Wood took off his glasses and frowned. Then he said, ‘Yes, that example would work. Thank you, Charlotte.’

The thing is though, apart from being a premium example of irony, not being able to sleep is also a premium example of mental torture. It was Monday when my mum committed her act of thievery. It’s now Friday and I don’t think I’ve properly lost consciousness once. Not even for a second. I am starting to feel desperate. It was fine when I was sat up all night typing because then I wasn’t thinking about sleeping, I was thinking about my coursework.

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